#102 Book Review: Why Don't We Listen Better?
Why Don't We Listen Better? by Petersen is a book about the ins and outs of interpersonal communication. Particularly Petersen focuses on developing his flat-brain theory of emotions and the talker listener model of communication. Petersen identifies several key problems in interpersonal communication such as who talks first, courtroom culture, body posture, and the need to win. Furthermore, Petersen provides thirty-one techniques to improve communication, on subjects like, space, pace, and intensity. Petersen recounts times when communication became important to him. Such as when he was a young pastor called out to the home of a couple who were fighting. They recounted their sides of the argument and waited for a response. Petersen parroted what each had communicated acting as the listener and responded by rephrasing what they were communicating in a more loving way.
The flat brain theory of emotions provides a framework for understanding how our emotions play into the role of communication. There are three parts, stomach functions, heart functions, and head functions. Stomach functions are nudges that inform us that we are “Happy, excited, interested, attracted, irritable, angry.” Heart functions are where we “give and receive concerns, suggestions, and support.” Meanwhile head functions are the “thinking, planning, remembering” part of us. The brain receives information through our ears and eyes and passes it along to the head and heart. The flat brain model shows us that when we receive a lot of information from another person we might become flat and unable to receive further input in an objective way.
The concepts and content of Why Don't We Listen Better? are distilled, in the talker listener card. The card is meant to be used in conversation as a game of sorts to practice better communication. Each person takes turns being either the talker or the listener. Each role is well defined and is meant to aid in the communication process. For example, the talker has the goals to “share my feelings” and “to share my thoughts.”
“So What?!” This book empowers the listener to take command of the conversation by challenging them to be active participants rather than mere observers. Throughout this book there are practical tools for better communication, such as the talker listener card, and the thirty-one techniques. Following the advice of this book the listener's role is no longer passive. Following the advice of this book causes you to listen better when it is important, ultimately for the betterment of both the speaker and listener. The book encourages practical exchanges of information, with a more intentional approach.
The Me I See NOW
While reading the book, I was struck by the phrase “you're not listening to me” and how Petersen explains you can understand and deal with that situation. When Petersen says “failing that time too, we doggedly spelled it out for them, again and again” it is familiar. Petersen lays out that while we are talking the other person is becoming defensive and flat-brained. This story resonates with me as I am one of those unlucky ones that gets “into this jam.” I am constantly falling into this trap. The fact is we are often more focused on what we are going to say next than what is being said to us. This can shut down genuine communication before it even starts.
The other day my wife asked me where the keys were. I went to respond but she kept talking. She wanted me to know that she was taking our kids to Costco with her mother. She also wanted me to know her plan for the day. I was not listening because I was too busy walking away to retrieve the keys. In this situation I took her question as her flipping the card where it was my turn to respond. But she meant it as a statement that was supposed to lead me to ask further questions. When looking at the talker listener model it becomes clear that as the listener it is part of my role to hear what is being communicated; she was communicating thoughts and feelings rather than a need.
The Me I Want to See SOON
The flat brain syndrome (FBS) in chapter four of Why Don't We Listen Better? was an “ah ha” moment for me. The FBS theorizes that when we have too many mixed emotions our brains go flat. Petersen says that “flat-brained folks tend to think others are the problem” My wife and I often find ourselves in conversations about how we communicate. We have developed our own vocabulary and theory to describe FBS. It is three words: “potato, penguin, and lizard” brain. Each of those words describes how you might be feeling when flat-brained. “Potato” would mean that you do not know what you want. Potatoes have the potential to be fries, chips, hash browns, etc. When you feel like a potato it is to be childish and not be happy with the situation and not know what you want. While being “penguin” headed would mean you want to be warm, cozy, and left alone with your mate. It is an indicator that you are no longer able to listen or talk. Meanwhile “lizard” refers to when you are no longer concerned with right or wrong, truth, or the facts. It is when you are feeling selfish and reverting to your base instincts. Each of those words describes the act of being flat brained for one reason or another. While we have been able to identify these three words or ideas as feelings that come up, we have not developed a way to respond to those emotions other than giving them what they want. Which is not necessarily a bad approach as we usually return to finish the conversation. Yet the FBS theory integrates with what we have already learned about ourselves to provide methods of dealing with the slump. The slump described by the FBS, and my “potato, penguin, and lizard” brain idea can be dealt with by what striking the “Wonder Woman pose” where you stand up straight, legs apart, and hands on hips. Petersen puts it this way “straighten up physically and grow into it emotionally.” By changing our posture we can stop being lizards.
Becoming the Me I Want to BECOME
I want to see growth in myself and my family. I am committed to implementing principles from Petersen’s book into my daily life. My first step is to share the talker listener cards with my extended family. My parents and siblings tend to have conversations where we talk past each other leading to miscommunications and frustration. I believe sharing the talker listener cards with them could be an effective way to see our family care for one another better and grow to become more Christlike. I will start using the principles from this book in my marriage to listen well. Even while I write this we have already started to communicate better using the talker listener approach. We are learning to identify when one needs to be the listener or the talker. I plan to continue fine tuning our approach to communicating better.
To extend the impact of this learning even further, I also went ahead and ordered more copies of the talker listener cards to hand out to friends and family as needed so that I now have another tool in my toolbox. While serving in ministry as the need arises, I may use these cards to create healthier communities wherever I go. Like it says in Romans 12:2 (NASB) “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” I will seek to renew my mind away from this world towards what is good and acceptable in God’s sight. That I may be ever ready to listen well to those in my life.
James C. Petersen, Why Don't We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships (Newberg, OR: Petersen Publications, 2007), 4.
Ibid., 20.
Ibid., 21.
Ibid.
Ibid., 69.
Ibid.
Ibid., 158
Ibid.
Ibid., 159.
Ibid., 31.
Ibid., 43.
Ibid., 44.
